Every thought in the directory, ranked from certified brain-tingling down to the deep pages where the weird stuff lives.
We laugh at dogs getting excited when they hear a bark on TV, but if TV was a nonstop stream of unintelligible noises and then someone suddenly spoke to you in your language, you'd be pretty fucking startled too.
The biggest luck in life is which parents you are born into.
Spider-Man almost certainly has auto-rotate turned off on his phone.
The first dent, scratch, or crack to an item is always devastating, but after that, the heavy burden of keeping that device in pristine condition is lifted and feels so much better.
Monarchs with a Roman numeral basically had to add a number to their username because the one they wanted was already taken
If you were bulletproof, you would probably live your entire life without knowing.
Given how often your character dies in video games, in most timelines, the bad guys win.
You actually are the boss fight for every enemy in the game.
Waking up and getting up are two entirely different negotiations.
Taking a dump right after showering always feels extra dirty
All those horrendous-looking clothes at the store had to be created and approved by multiple people who thought that it would actually sell.
Taking a bite from a burger determines where the front of it is
You aren't paid according to how hard you work, you are paid according to how hard you are to replace
It takes two wipes to realise it only took one wipe
A snake would use a pool noodle as a life jacket
When transformers die, you can just use their corpse as your regular car.
Everyone's personality is a sum of defense mechanisms they have adopted to survive any situation.
It takes getting fat to realise you weren’t fat
If dogs are able to see ghosts, then the reason they’re afraid of the vet is because they can see all the animals that have been euthanised there.
“Old McDonald” gets a lot darker when you realize everything is past tense.
These must be very confusing times for drug sniffing dogs in a lot of states.
There's nothing more hurtful than a cat immediately washing the spot where you just pet it.
Reese's is the Taco Bell of the candy world. The same key ingredients packaged 50 different ways and nobody's mad about it.
There is a chance you could have used the same utensil twice at a restaurant at different times
When we think of apples we think red, but when we think of apple flavored we think green.
We talk about half and quarter hours but never third hours, even though it's a nice, even 20 minutes.
Cavemen riding dinosaurs is more absurd than cavemen driving cars
We can feel every surface on our body simultaneously but don’t even notice it
In the movie *Cars*, the town is in Radiator Springs in Carburetor County. In an alternative universe, cars are watching the movie *Humans*, who live in Sweat Gland Springs in Digestive County.
It’s both creepy and impressive how quickly Wikipedia articles are edited after someone’s death to change certain verbs to past tense
A skeleton, a zombie, and a ghost all make up 1 full human
A foam pit is a good place to find out how far you can throw a child.
Scooby doo is a great Dane. In the shows, we see shaggy, velma, daphne, and fred all run at the same pace as scooby. Great Danes run at a speed of 30 mph. The mystery gang have thighs of steel.
Modern rappers are naming themselves like they're running out of usernames
If the witching hour always starts at 3am, then ghosts and demons must also be setting their clocks forward and backward each year.
Most animal infants can run, hide, or at least stay quiet. A human baby will shriek like it's daring any predator within earshot to fight the entire tribe.
A large download button and a small close button are the signs of a bad website
Power Ranger villains were pretty nice that they never released a Monster late at night or Super early in the morning when they were most likely asleep.
Elsa builds a highly detailed ice castle in seconds and brings two snow creatures to life. Soldiers show up to take her away and she can’t put a block of ice in the doorway.
It wasn't being in the fridge that saved Indiana Jones in Crystal Skull, it was because he drank from the Holy Grail in The Last Crusade
"I hope your day is as pleasant as you are" can both be an insult or a compliment depending on the person.
If your children argue over which is the favorite child, then you've treated them all equally.
Some people eat ass but can’t eat the crust of pizza
If a person attempts a really dangerous stunt and succeeds, everyone thinks they're brave/courageous. But if they fail, everyone thinks they're stupid and deserved to fail.
We live in a world where GTA is a kid’s game and Candy Crush is an adult’s game.
In GTA: 5 real life minutes are hours in game meaning the three minute songs on the in game radio are hours long in the GTA universe.
We typically want our fiction to be believable and our nonfiction to be unbelievable.
To cannibals, vegans are their version of grass-fed meat.
The history books that record the events of World War 3 will be much more detailed and vivid, complete with actual tweets and colored photographs.
3:00am feels a lot more like the middle of the night than 12:00am
If someone apologizes for something that doesn't bother you, chances are it's because it would bother them
It’s to weird to think that Pigeons existed before big cities. They just lived in the forest and ate bugs instead of garbage
Before we had cordless tools, we had corded tools. And before that, we had cordless tools.
We rent water. We use it, then return it, it's cleaned, then sold again.
In Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it’s a good thing the squirrel didn’t think Veruca Salt’s head was a good nut, or else she would have been mauled to death in front of the remaining children instead of thrown (alive) into the garbage.
Science fiction probably accurately predicts what space ships will look like because geeky scientists will likely model ships after those in science fiction
Deaf people can communicate underwater but not in heavy smoke
If dogs understood peanut butter cups, they would find it cruel that we took one of their favourite people foods and stuffed it in a shell of poison
The reason we think plastic surgery always turns out bad is because the good jobs look real.
Stealing candy from a baby is not only easy, it's the right thing to do.