Every thought in the directory, ranked from certified brain-tingling down to the deep pages where the weird stuff lives.
People are probably using the 'I don't feel good' excuse a lot less lately
We as humans have ability to spew acid everywhere. It's just not as exciting as we thought.
When buying music, you're literally paying for moving air
No tolerance in schools doesn’t stop bully it just gives the bullies motivation.
The unrealistic expectation of a princess is not her hair, it's that she was able to keep her figure while being locked away in a tower for years.
Due to not having a nose, Voldemort has an increased field of vision.
It isn’t training cops, it’s qualifying the people that are applying to be cops in the first place.
A dick measuring 3.14 inches is a πnis
Procrastinating is a NSFW activity
The average life expectancy in the Neolithic was between 20 and 33 years, so there's a good chance that agriculture was developed by a bunch of teenagers.
In "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus," the kid who spied on mommy and daddy (in a Santa outfit) kissing was supposed to be asleep. So the only reason the dad had to dress up as Santa was to satisfy mommy's Santa Claus fetish.
It’s amazing that with our human brain, we’re able to catch a ball with just mental calculation in mere seconds and yet we still trip on our own feet
If you treat a stab wound with stitches, you're treating a stabbing with more stabbing.
Having a sore throat and not telling anyone is the new "hiding a zombie bite."
Technically anything can be done in a matter of seconds, even if it takes an hour cause then it’s just 3600 seconds.
Holding the Earth in the palm of your hand is gonna be the “propping up the leaning tower of Pisa” tourist photo of the future
The real winner in "every child gets a trophy" is the trophy company
Horror movies set in the daytime just seem scarier
Growing up is going from not swearing in front of adults to not swearing in front of kids
Most shirts have a tiny cape in them if you turn them inside out
These WW3 jokes will be history by the end of this weekend
Having birthdays is great for your health. It's been proven that people who have had the most birthdays live the longest
If Belle was ugly, no one would've cared that the Beast took her
The difference between a "girlfriend" and a "girl friend" is space.
An apple a day, you die anyway.
Holding a flashlight for your father may be the most simple, hardest jobs any of us will ever have.
A capital Q is an O committing indecent exposure.
Sucking and blowing have opposite meanings ordinarily, but are synonymous when used sexually.
Nails take 40+ years to decompose, so every nail you've clipped is still out there somewhere
If you get 10 chicken wings at a restaurant, you could have 5 pairs of wings or 10 wings from different chickens, or any combination in between, meaning when you order chicken wings the number of chickens that died to make your meal is in a unknowable probability field.
In the beginning of their lives, millennials were known as the first generation of the digital age. Towards the end of their lives, they will be known as the last generation to remember life before the digital age.
Having a health bar would make people healthy
Some people are so afraid of being lonely that they'll stick with the wrong person until the end.
They literally pay a smoker in non smoking advertisements.
KFC doesn’t have chicken nuggets
We globally decided that the opposite of vanilla is chocolate.
Anything is easy to steal from a baby, not just candy
When you cut a corner off, you end up creating more corners
Statistically, Mars is safer for Humans than Earth.
You can do a perfect impression of somebody you don't even know about
Knowing you don’t have to go into work the next day is more of a relief than actually not having to go into work.
Don't relax too soon, 2020 might be just a trailer of 2021
You’ve forgotten about 40% of what you have learned in the last 20 minutes
Putting dirty clothes on is so much more unbearable than keeping dirty clothes on.
Men have unrealistic body ideals, too. RPG heroes save their respective universe on 1 hour of sleep.
The true message of Jurassic Park is “Don’t piss off your IT person”.
Centaurs probably slap their own asses to go faster
We are already being suppressed by an AI, as a bot is determining whether a thought is original or not.
In a game of Checkers, you only play on half the board.
You use a dead tree to write on a dead tree on top of a dead tree
One impressive thing about Harry Potter is that his glasses prescription never changed in 7 years.
People who like to drive faster end up behind slower cars sooner
The goal of tinder is for you to delete tinder
None of your direct ancestors were virgins, but you might be.
The milk you get from the store does not come from a single cow, but is rather a mix of dozens of different cow's milk.
When people go to some Asian countries and see red bean flavored things they think, “weird bean flavored dessert,” but technically chocolate, vanilla, and coffee desserts are all bean flavored.
Another word for kidnapping is surprise adoption.
Your greatest talent may not exist in your lifetime
Rich girls are often hot and pretty because their rich dads married pretty women
If Sherlock Holmes turned to crime he’d be able to get away with almost anything.